October 21, 2019

Reflections

Yesterday I was talking with my husband and he showed me a nude photo someone sent him. In the photo was a friend of his and they were all dressed up getting ready for a sex party. The girl was wearing a stunning dress and I commented on how beautiful it was…..then I started crying tears of joy and said…I can’t wait to wear beautiful dresses like that again.

After my first failed surgery I have been struggling so hard. I was put in a horrible situation and my world came crashing down around me in 2012. I was at the happiest I had ever been in my life! I was 175 pounds, my career was taking off, I was feeling wonderful then BOOM! It all came to a complete stop. My LapBand had be be removed and I thought I would die.

I went into a serious depression. I honestly did not want to live anymore. Why would I be blessed enough to finally get to a happy place in my life then have it taken all away. I did everything right! If the doc said do this…it was done…if the doc said don’t do that….it was avoided. So why was I being punished?

I did not have money to have a revision, the way it all came down was so fast I did not even have time to discuss the matter with anymore, I just knew I was told it has to be removed and it HAD TO BE REMOVED NOW! And so life….well it went back into the dark holes.

After my unbanding I could not face life. I had people telling me stupid things, such as…

Oh, just eat like you did when you had it!
Look here’s a diet book, read this and you will do fine!
Keep working out, you will keep it off!
It wasn’t safe anyway, I’m glad it’s gone!
I never supported you in that anyway!

Excuse me….who the hell are you and why do you feel so holier than thou telling me what YOU want for MY life!? People can be so damn stupid!

All my life I struggled with weight. Diets? Yep, you name it…I did it. I’ve exercised will I was blue in the face, ate cabbage soup, liquid diets, etc. NOTHING! NOTHING EVER WORKED!

When I had my first surgery I had NO hunger, it was a TOOL to assist me in reaching my healthy goal. I dropped all my weigh in 9 months! A total of 125 pounds! My god…I was hanging on my doctor’s wall! I was the golden child! I went to my therapy’s, I went to my aftercare, I meal planned, I was taking my vitamins, I was doing it…ya hear me…..I was DOING IT!

Fast forward to 2019.
So here I am! At one point I said I would never do this again and yet after so many failed attempts at keeping myself at a healthy weight, I’ve decided to go for the Gastric Sleeve. Only this time, I am keeping the info to my core family and YOU dear reader….

On Oct 30th I hope to have my phone consult with my doctor. At that time I will have a plan of attack. I am a self pay patient (I was before as well) and so I don’t have to jump through the hoops of insurance. I think I am 260 lbs but hell I could be more. I don’t get on NOBODY’s scale anymore. I just can’t…but when I do I will report it here. (In 2009 I was 285 before surgery and got down to 155)

Join me on my journey. I want to share it with you and maybe, just maybe it will give you hope and courage!

5 Comments

  • I completely understand everything you are going through. I also was banded in 2009. SW was 232 and my weight in 2017 when my band slipped was 143…. Worst day ever. From 2017-2019 I gained 30lbs. I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but when your only 5’2″, it is. I knew i wanted a revision, but i really wanted the MGB (mini Gastric bypass). I called, emailed and researched all over looking for someone to do it. Everytime i thought i had something… i would get told…. You don’t weight enough. I was months from going to mexico to have it done when i found my dr. He was right her in Jackson, MS. 15 min from my work and 20 min from my home. I had my meeting with him and he agreed to do the sleeve (doesn’t do the MGB). He said even though i was a 31 BMI i qulified as a “revision”. I was soooo happy. On Aug 28th i had the sleeve done. Easiest surgery i ever had. One night in the hospital. I had zero pain. New SW 173.5lbs, today i’m at 149lbs…. Happy i did this for me and happy i have support of my new husband.
    This time, like you, i told no one. Not even my kids (grown), no family, no friends…. only him. It’s so much better. No judgemental people, eyes, people asking questions that’s none of their business. Everyone here knew i was dieting and working out to lose weight for my wedding (sept. 26th) so when i started losing, no one gave it a second thought. Because i was doing crossfit, i told everyone i was having hernia surgery. And when the dr. went in, he did find a hiatel hernia, so…. no lies were told.
    Good luck with everything…. I’ll PM you on BariatricPal.

    • It feels so good to know I have people will understand my journey. We are NOT alone! I am grateful for your connection!

    • No sepsis. It eroded and the only reason I knew was because it felt weird! We’d be driving and I’d have to tell hubby to get in the middle lane because riding in the far left lane (the most bumpty) I’d feel pain in my tummy. When the band eroded it put a hole in my tummy. I was banded in 2009 and unbanded in 2012

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