November 4, 2019

The First Time I Realized I Was Skinny

Note: This story is when I was banded in 2010. I have since been unbanded and now I am going for Gastric Sleeve.

In 2009 when I started my journey with the LapBand I was excited and very focused on everything I was suppose to do. If the doc said “don’t do” something then it was NOT done. No soda, no milkshakes, no bad stuff, eat right, follow the guide…yep. I was an A+ student. And it was because of this I lost all my weight within a 9 month period. I knew I was losing weight. I knew I was wearing normal sized clothes. I knew I was happy but for some reason my brain still saw me as a size 24! Weird how that works. LOL I honestly knew these things but my head could not keep up with what I was use to seeing in the mirror even when the mirror was showing me something different.

I was walking to an appointment in Downtown Denver and I passed a building that has reflective glass on the outside. There I was just hustlin to my next appointment and I looked over and caught a glance at myself. That day changed my life….

I stopped dead in my tracks, turned toward the reflection and said in a LOUD BOOMING VOICE “THAT’S ME!!!!” I stood there looking at myself for a long time. Now, I can’t tell you what the people around me were thinking but I’m sure they thought I was on some kind of drug! LOL! And lord help if there some someone’s office on the other side of that window because in that moment, that very second, I realized I was in a different body and that reflection looking back at me was…..ME, the new body ME!

I do not have the words for how that felt, its’ like nothing felt ever before. I fought weight my whole life and there I was…a size 10 and happy and that reflection was more than an “I Wish” moment, it was a REAALITY!

It took me a while to get use to seeing me in a new way. Sorta like a big dog puppy who has not grown into it’s feet just yet. LOL I had done the work, I busted through fears, I was living life and loving it for the very first time. I loved photos….I loved going out with friends, I loved the way my new clothes fit me! I was SKINNY and nothing felt so good in my life.

We are told during our journey that we must be prepared mentally. And I believe that with my WHOLE HEART! When I was going to my weekly therapy sessions I heard SO many people tell their story of “cheating” and I just did not understand it. Why go thru this, why fight to get surgery and then not do the work that needs to be done. I don’t blame or judge anyone for their struggle, it was just not what I wanted my story to be. I truly saw my LapBand as a tool and not a crutch. I was not “cheating” as most people say we do they find out we have had Weight Loss Surgery. I put in the work and I earned my results!

Just a few short years later I was unbanded due to no fault of my own and I was LOST. I was floating in a serious sea of darkness. If the band failed then how in the hell was I doing to do this on my own when THAT never worked before….so back to the drawing board. Diets, plans, exercise…you name it and the weight SLOWLY crept back up again even with all that. And at one point I was so low I thought of taking my own life. (yes I got the help I needed for that thought and I am grateful for that) But that weight gain was worse than death to me in my mind. How can you give someone a million dollars, let them have it for 3 years and then say…OH I’m sorry…we have to take that back, it wasn’t for you?

I am not back at 285 which was my pre-surgery weight before the LapBand, but I am close and that’s when panic hit me. NOPE I am NOT going there. I need my tool and it’s time to do something about it.

If there is one thing I hope that my blog does, it is to help change the perception of people who get Weight Loss Surgery. Our struggle is OUR struggle. Maybe YOU struggle with something else, drugs, spending, gambling, etc. But for us, we struggle with something is is NEEDED to sustain life. Food, you can’t avoid it! Many of us have done everything you THINK we are suppose to do. Eat right and exercise. We are not lazy, we are just in OUR struggle and sometimes that means obtaining a tool to help us reach our goals as well. I hope you think of that before you come to us with our PERFECT solution deemed by you.

And 2nd I want blog to do is to be a place of OPEN reflection and safety. I want it to be truthful so that it may reach someone else to help them along their journey. So many of the so-called online “Support Groups” are full of n negative people, people shunning others within our own community and false perceptions. I have joined many of them only to say…NOT FOR ME….next. I do NOT want to every be a part of someones hurt or pain because I know all to well what that feels like. I do plan on blogging about my journey into some of these groups in a future post.

For me…my new journey begins now. Plans have been made, flights booked, hotel rooms obtained and my date is scheduled. I hope you join me and please feel free to share your thoughts with me.

And I am looking forward to seeing the NEW REFLECTION in the near future.

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