October 26, 2019

Thoughts From The Past…

It’s been 7 years since I was unbanded. I was determined after I lost my band to stay healthy, I worked out, I ate right (sometimes, lol) Hey I don’t believe in lying to myself or else I’d not be FAT again. But ultimately my band was the deciding factor on how much I could and could not eat. It was a tool … yes a tool. Her name was Lilith and we had a relationship. She had my back. When my eyes were too big for my plate she would slow a sister down and say….hey hey hey, that’s enough! I took our relationship seriously. I treated her right and in return she took good care of me by allowing me to eat in moderation and keep any craving away from me. I found that amazing. I had NO CRAVINGS with Lilith. I was the star pupil in my LapBand world, then one day she turned on me…just left me high and dry. So when she had to be taken from my world I grieved. I grieved so hard! I cried I kicked, I screamed, I went into a serious dark deep depression.

People would say, you got this and guess what…I DID NOT HAVE IT! Having Lilith in my life was the only thing that worked for me. Not Weight Watchers, not Cabbage Soup Diet, not Atkins, not South Beach….nothing. So here I am at 270 lbs now. Yes, I went ahead and weighed myself this past week so I could at least see where my new starting point was. And let me say that was a dark day putting my fat ass on that scale. For years I refused to step on it because it would just ruin my day. But now that I’ve had my tantrum about that I can focus on my future.

So on Oct 30th, I am having sex with my doctor. I am using Dr. Matthew Metz in Denver Colorado and I am going to fly to Denver when it’s time to do the procedure because I trust only him.

All this is riding on a business deal I am closing in November so if that deal falls I am up a shit creek. But I am NOT going to focus on that…that damn deal is gonna go thru!

This past week I have gotten myself back into the bariatric world of chatterboxes and groups. I’m not going to lie, this is a bit scary this time. Why, well it’s totally altering my tummy. With the band that was reversible, growing a tummy back is not! But I will not let that deter me. I am determined. I have to do this for me!

And let’s face it….this surgery is going to cost me $12,000-$14,000. I am paying for it myself just like when I did when I got the LapBand. I can’t afford another surgery to fail me. Especially when I am doing my part. I read all the threads, many struggles with the mindset of eating and being successful. Everyone has their own demons to fight and so I sympathize with them so much. I have demons as well but once I have made up my mind on something it’s a done deal.

This time last year I was not even thinking of surgery or doing this again, then one day I just say ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH! Time to do this thing again because life is short and I want to be happy again with my body.

And so…here we go. This is going to be an honest and open forum for me and I know some of ya’ll ain’t gonna like that I am keeping this quiet to the world. Last time I shouted it to the moon but not this time. It’s my world and I am commanding the way it will go!

Photo by Eric Muhr on Unsplash

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